Thursday 23 August 2018

Dyspraxia, Self-Confidence and Me


Being blessed with “the gift” of a moderate form of dyspraxia has meant and still means having to navigate the challenge of social engagement and getting my use of language on-point. When I was younger I used to be quite shy when in a group scenario, especially at school because I was afraid of saying the wrong thing or using incorrect grammar. I have been known to swap words around in a sentence and adding fillers into my speech when not really necessary, usually to allow my brain some time to bring a conversation back on topic. Using the same adjective or adverb several times during the course of a conversation is a defence or coping mechanism for me- a way of indicating I have understood what has been said by an interlocutor or a way of eliciting a response without being too overt about it. “Absolutely” seems to be one of my favourite go-to adverbs to demonstrate my understanding of a topic or agreement with a statement. When used alongside a low pitch/tone of voice and affirmative facial expressions and eye-contact it can be way of sounding confident even when you may not feel confident inside.

My level of self-confidence, as I've blogged about countless times has been up and down. It can be affected by negative conversations and being put into uncomfortable or unfamiliar situations: for example, if I'm talking to a group of young people about a topic I have knowledge of and passion for- like raising awareness of dyspraxia, I tend to feel less tense, less needy of crutch words and behaviours and more able to structure sentences to get my point across. However, when I am speaking to a group of high-powered professionals, who may not have much understanding of neurodiverse conditions or may have expectations of listening to a flawless presentation (or at least how I perceive flawless to be, as no presentation ever happens without incident), I have been known to get tongue-tied, avoid eye-contact and nervous for the questions that follow.

Young people with dyspraxia, otherwise known as Developmental Coordination Disorder or DCD for short regularly experience dips in self-confidence as a result of engaging in presentation delivery. Pratt and Hill (2011) conducted research with young people with DCD and found that they “experience high levels of ‘panic anxiety’ when faced by a task that they have previously found challenging (Pratt and Hill 2011), leading to avoidance behaviour” (https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/Dyspraxia-Mental-Health-Consultation-March-2016.pdf). I found speaking about scientific subjects much more difficult than talking about poetry, prose or plays in the first years of secondary school so I would try and avoid taking part in class discussions in Science, Technology, ICT, Maths and Graphic Design by taking notes and avoiding eye-contact with the teacher. When I was asked to deliver a presentation I would use the PowerPoint presentation I created as a prop to keep my speech on track but I'd often digress onto different subjects, which must have been quite frustrating for some of my peers! Thanks to working with my English, Drama and Modern Foreign Language teachers I managed to build my self-confidence to the point where I could speak without being prompted but the digression element really hasn't gone away! The extra effort required to get to that point was draining and I never would have managed it without tailored support and my parents and friends willing me on. This feeling of being overwhelmed seems to be quite common amongst children and young people with DCD: Missiuna, Moll et al (2007) found that parents of children with DCD have reported that their children have felt overwhelmed “because of the expectations and work required of them and ‘mask’ their problems by putting in extra effort so that that their difficulties weren’t noticed” (https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/Dyspraxia-Mental-Health-Consultation-March-2016.pdf).

Anxiety has been a mental health concern that has dominated much of my life. I get anxious over the most silliest of things – if I forget a pen to make notes at a meeting I'm worried about forgetting everything at that meeting and if I don't note nearly everything down I think I'm going to forget what was said or misinterpret it and upset someone. I'm perpetually worried about missing buses and trains and tripping up on the steps or getting stuck in the door. Fear of getting the wrong bus or train or missing the last train or bus has meant I am more reluctant to attend events outside Lincoln alone.
I've thought so many times that I'm blocking everyone's way by standing awkwardly or sitting in the wrong place and when I do get something wrong I can focus my attention on reflecting on that action for far longer than is necessary. I don't want to feel like a burden but when you've felt like you are being a burden to others you care about for so long, it's difficult to shake that feeling off. It makes you feel like shit and it's in those moments you need to have friends and family around to talk to.

I experienced social isolation throughout my teenage years and young adulthood, partly as a result of not having been pro-active and going out to clubs, taking part in leisure activities and joining societies, partly as a result of socio-economic circumstances and the stigma associated with that (I think Universal Credit advisors need to continue to promote volunteering, participation in job clubs and taking part in free events in the local area to challenge that sense of self-stigmatisation) and partly as a result of fearing what circumstances I could have found myself in. I have been fortunate to meet some amazing, non-judgmental folks over the past few years but it's been a hard journey. Young dyspraxic people living in rural Lincolnshire must have found and continue to find it tougher to engage in social activities due to public transport issues and/or socially conservative attitudes of their parents, guardians and carers and I do worry about overall levels of youth social isolation and loneliness. Social media plays it part in keeping young people connected and there are YouTube videos and stars that young people can turn to for advice and guidance for when they do feel lonely but I've met young people who still feel incredibly lonely. One young guy I met who is dyspraxic felt that he couldn't meet up and play football with his schoolmates because he didn't want to be judged for not being able to catch the ball (he said he often finds himself put in the goalie position at school so that he doesn't “wander all over the place” or “slow the game down”). Teachers, pastoral care staff, professionals with knowledge of neurodiverse conditions and parents, guardians and carers all have a role to play in reducing social isolation and improving inclusion of neurodiverse young people in sports and creative activities. This includes teaching young people about neurodiversity in Science and in PSHE lessons. The Dyspraxia Foundation undertook a Youth Mental Health Consultation back in 2016 and the report found that young people with dyspraxia often felt that lack of understanding about dyspraxia “added to their sense of feeling different” (https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/Dyspraxia-Mental-Health-Consultation-March-2016.pdf). If young people understand to some extent what their peers with dyspraxia are going through, the anxiety they face and the extra effort they put in to participate, they may adapt slightly the sports and creative activities they engage in (e.g. slowing down the football game slightly or reminding their friend to bring pen and pencil grips for drawing) so they can be inclusive.

When I was growing up I never knew anyone who had been diagnosed with dyspraxia as early as me (I was diagnosed initially aged 6 following consultation with educational psychologists and following an referral by my primary school psychologist). Nobody openly discussed having dyspraxia and I never read about anyone who was dyspraxic or saw anyone on TV or in films who said they were dyspraxic. It was almost like it was a condition you had to avoid talking about for fear of being singled out. I really hope that will change in the future, with more fictional book, TV and film characters being created who happen to be neurodiverse and with more documentaries being produced on neurodiverse conditions and I'd be more than happy to give advice on this (wink wink, nudge nudge shameless plug).

Even when I was at mainstream secondary school and no longer needed a SENCO or Occupational Therapist to support me on a daily basis I felt different. At times during Year 7 and 8 I felt like I didn't belong in the school at all; that somehow my acceptance had been a fluke and that I consistently and consciously had to show grateful thanks to the teachers for allowing me to have a space and pretty much take on board what they said as gospel truth. I remember my Mum telling me that my Year 7 RE teacher said that my chances of getting a Grade C in English and Maths at GCSE (Grade 4/5 nowadays) was pretty much non-existent let alone getting one in RE and yet through sheer hard graft and hours and hours of studying after-school I ended proving him wrong, getting my A* in English Lit and RE and going on to study both alongside English Language, French, German and General Studies at A-Level and then studying English and Philosophy at the University of York. Believe me, with tailored support and the determination to succeed, you can achieve. I still think of Mr Year 7 RE teacher with a wry smile and utter a “you were wrong” under my breath. I really try not to gloat or revel in other people's mistaken beliefs but sometimes I just can't help it. We're only human after all.

As the years went on I began to realise that what made me different was far more than my dyspraxia and my gender and actually that it was OK to be seen as different, as unique. The anxiety was still there, I was still pretty much socially isolated outside the school grounds and yet there was a rebellious sense of freedom I could latch onto. These days I am much more attune to and revel in my rebelliousness because it's a refusal to conform to gender expectations and semantic structure expectations. I wear what I want within the confines of the law and I accept that I won't be the Jacob Rees-Mogg type of rhetorical speaker (Thank God!) I can own my own truth, try and phrase things in the way I know how and happily invite others on the journey with me. Being a confident communicator means embracing semantic and grammatical differences. If someone uses “and” to start a segment of lecture once in a while....it may not be seen as “Standard” English but so what! Being a confident listener means embracing the challenge of understanding different modes of speech delivery; if a young person uses “Absolutely” 10 times during the conversation because they may happen to be nervous about meeting you for the first time...No Big Deal! Listen to the overall content of the conversation and appreciate how much effort that young person may have made to come and talk to you in the first place.

I hope that more young people with dyspraxia will receive the support they need, especially with regards to reducing levels of anxiety and social isolation. It starts with professionals being open to finding out more about neurodiverse conditions.
There are several ways of finding out this information :

Young people with dyspraxia can be some of the wittiest, academically bright young people around. By understanding some of the challenges they face, like dealing with unfamiliar social situations, professionals can offer the right amount of support for those young people to cope whilst empowering them to pursue their aspirational goals. To young people reading my blog, I say this: you can and will achieve great things. Reach out when you think you need additional support. Never give up and remember it's OK not to be OK sometimes. You know what's best for you.

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Friday 17 August 2018

Confidence(ish), Progress and Hope


Gosh it seems like an age since I wrote my last blogpost! Time flies by when your diary and/or reading list is full to the brim. I can't really complain: I've met with many interesting and intelligent people who share my passion for creating a more equal, inclusive society through delivery of progressive policies and social action projects. One thing I can say for definite is that our young people in Lincolnshire have a plethora of genuinely game-changing ideas to share with the world and it's important, now more than ever, to do what we can to help cultivate platforms for them to share such ideas. It shouldn't matter what a young person's socio-economic circumstances happen to be- if they have something engaging and thought-provoking to say, they should have a space where they can express themselves openly and frankly and a space where they can listen to others doing the same thing, in the hope they collaborate and bring transformative ideas to life.

I wish I had had more opportunities to build the self confidence I needed to express my thoughts and share my ideas out of the school environment. I think my teachers and peers appreciated the contributions I did make in lessons like PSHE and Religious Studies but I never felt comfortable with the mechanics of it all. I guess I felt partly judged but also that I didn't want to be seen to be hogging the limelight or wasting my peers' time. When you are seen as a bit of a social outcast or the “weird one”, it can make you feel like you have to be quieter, so that you don't draw more attention to yourself than the attention sought of you by the teacher. The reality of the situation may be completely different to your perception of it- peers may be feeling nervous themselves and would love to hear someone being bold and being prepared to share thoughts with them to help spark conversations, especially when challenging conversations need to be had in the classroom. The Heads Together Mentally Healthy Schools page states that anxiety can become an issue for students when “their fear or worry seems out of proportion to the problem, it leads to unhelpful and unrealistic thoughts about themselves and others and/or when it interferes with their ability to take part in activities” (https://www.mentallyhealthyschools.org.uk/mental-health-needs/the-anxious-or-worried-child/). I certainly felt overwhelmed by social situations at school and whilst I was never without friends, it wasn't easy to engage in ordinary school activities. There were times when I found it difficult to concentrate, especially as exams neared and there was many a time when I'd come back from secondary school in floods of tears having received a module report, parent's report or exam grade and feeling like I'd not done well enough, even though the majority of my effort grades over the 7 year period I was there were in the A-C range. My parents or teachers never felt that I ever needed specialist pastoral support and some of my teachers thought as long as I was doing reasonably well in their subject “I would pull myself together” before the exams and pass them and then be less anxious as a result. Perhaps they didn't fully understand how emotionally draining it was for me, to cope with expectations, to over challenges I faced as a result of dyspraxia and my body confidence issues. As for my gender, they just had no real clue or at least they didn't want to be vocal about it. Maybe I should have spoken up more and said how I was feeling. I got through school life but it was hard at times.
So you see some young people will never feel like they can be completely themselves at school and that's why fostering spaces for discussion outside the school environment can be vitally important.

The tentativeness approach to life that took hold at school seemed to ebb away at the University of York. I felt freer to be more myself...maybe it was because I met more folks who seemed like me – dyspraxic, gender stereotype breakers, feminists, shopaholics (I do love a charity shop vintage clothing or jewellery bargain and still frequent them today) but even when at my most uninhibited, I still felt I couldn't be entirely expressive of my opinions in Philosophy seminars. It was really strange that I could quite easy lead a seminar on discussions of gender identity and stereotyping and breaking Regency social mores in Jane Austen's work but didn't feel confident to discuss the differences between dualism and monism in the philosophy of mind (Descartes vs Spinoza....worth looking up if you have the time and inclination: https://psychologenie.com/dualism-vs-monism-in-philosophy). It was partly a fear of being seen as lazy if I got some element of the theory argument wrong (in English Literature it was more about remembering historical dates where my long-term memory doesn't seen to desert me) and partly because I never saw myself as a capable debater or philosopher...unsurprisingly this is still pretty much the case today. I enjoyed more listening to the views of my peers in philosophy seminars so would only contribute when required/prompted by the tutor and then came the slipping up of words, the tentativeness, the uneasiness and the patronising/sympathetic looks and nitpicky comments, usually from the ex public schoolboys who chose Philosophy because they thought it was a “liberal conservative chic” subject to take and they'd probably have a cushy job or internship to look forward to. Alright for some I guess. I'd smile back but it was a front to mask my anxiety, my fear of having to bear being subject to the charge of being inane. Being arcane has it's advantages but fear of being inane is one cross you seem to have to bear, especially if you're a dyspraxic student. Thank God I could escape to the local Cat's Protection charity shop for a natter with the local manager who literally gave the best and most frank life advice ever: “Wear your craziest 80's leggings to the next seminar and show you don't give a f**k about their patronising tone” she said once. I did....and I said what I thought to the bitchy ex public schoolboys and yes, it made me feel a million times better. Self-care is so important. Sometimes you just have to rebel. Suffice to say my tutor for the course was quite taken aback by it all. But then she was a social conservative and I don't think she or any of the liberal Tories in that group had met someone like me. Learning experiences are good for all concerned, regardless of background so I hope it helped them in some way....well they may know what 80's leggings look like. That's a start...

After uni, I became more withdrawn and felt more and more my views and the ideas I espoused didn't really matter. This week the Social Housing Green paper was released and in it there was a chapter dedicated to talking about social stigma faced by social housing tenants. All of the engagement events conducted with residents as part of putting the paper together included discussions about social stigma. The paper highlights research conducted by Shelter earlier this year which found that “24% of families in social housing feel looked down on because of where they live, compared with only 8% of families who are private renters or homeowners” (https://england.shelter.org.uk/media/press_releases/articles/shelter_launches_new_social_housing_commission). It's interesting how the Tory Government now seem more willing to state they need to recognise the contributions made by social housing tenants towards improving community cohesion. They need to do far more to “value the diversity of residents in social housing-from the most vulnerable who need support, to the majority of adult residents working and those supporting vital services like the NHS” (https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/733605/A_new_deal_for_social_housing_web_accessible.pdf). That means changing perceptions with social housing tenants leading the way by telling their stories and sharing their ideas for such change.
I can tell you from personal experience there are folks who are in HR and Recruitment roles in Lincolnshire who can have an bias against applicants from certain areas where social housing is prevalent. This bias is often not expressed in words but is noticeable through changes in vocal tone and body language. You can have all the qualifications you need to enter a career sector but if they take one look at your address and make an assumption, that's it.....they'll exchange pleasantries, ask the questions they need to ask to fill in their sheets but come selection process time, you just know they'll find the excuse not to hire you. It's the quiet tut, the glancing of eyes or avoidance of eye contact that gives such people away. It's disheartening, it can make you less willing to be open and it can put young people off from applying for jobs in certain sectors.

I've met numerous young jobseekers who have been long-term unemployed who are engaging, passionate about particular issues (e.g. reducing homelessness and improving the housing sector) but who feel like they never get a chance to air their views and showcase their ideas and even when they do get a rare chance, they never feel like they've not been listened to by those they perceive to be in positions of power. I believe we need to do far more as a society to provide meaningful engagement opportunities and provide funding to encourage those who share their ideas to test them through the creation of social action projects. Grassroots self-improvement projects will help participants to build their self-confidence, improve communication and interpersonal skills and give them a chance to shape their own future path. Some of the people deemed “hardest to reach” by professionals have the most interesting ideas and rather than taking a restrictive, punitive approach with them or mollycoddling them, let them take charge of their destinies through creating their own volunteering social action projects and for goodness sake ensure they have money to be able to follow through with it.

I'm very lucky to now be in a position where I can begin to work with young people from low-income backgrounds, young people with low-level mental health conditions like social anxiety, young people who are experiencing long-term unemployment (NEETs) as well as young people who feel like they are social outcasts from urban and rural areas of Lincolnshire. All have the potential to come up with transformative, progressive ideas and I want to work with them to co-curate a platform they can access and contribute to to share those ideas. This will be done in a multitude of ways and I, for one, am excited at what progress could be achieved. My own passion for writing has been continually renewed and inspired by daily conversations, long and short. I'm beginning to feel more confident once again about speaking in public too, which is a positive development and who knows, I may be speaking at events across the country one day, sharing my own thoughts and those of others who have a progressive, hopeful vision for their communities and for the UK as a whole. I may still be tentative Matti at heart, but I'm growing in knowledge, experience and awareness every day and I'm really grateful for that.
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